11.24.2010
The Past Lyric Video
I felt the same exact way. I almost cried cause I know this feeling...
Have you?
11.14.2010
11.12.2010
Happy Birthday Grace Kelly.
Born November 12, 1929 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
She was in over thirty films before her death on
September 14,1982.
She marrired a Prince in April 1956 to
Rainer III, Prince of Monaco
Grace Kelly as been my idol since I was a little girl.
<3
Glee: Never Been Kissed
I love Glee.
There are many characters in the show that I can relate to and make me wonder...
In this episode of Glee, we fall in love with the beginning of Kurk, as he sort of finds himself...
I actually went through this myself, it was a rough but needed beginning personally for me.
So any lesbian/gay people out there that can relate,...
share your view and smile.....
share your view and smile.....
=]
11.11.2010
Improve, Push, & Make it Happen.
Part I:
I have this odd problem in my life where it seems like nothing goes right for me, and its like for some reason, I am not suppose to be happy. My grandmother tries her best to cheer me up all the time. You see, I have tendency to get into a deep depression and sleep all day and all night. Rarely I would get up from my bed and do some stuff, aka eat and then go back to sleep. I despise the fact that I put myself into some deep shit. I prefer to be outside and enjoy life like I use to. I want to be out with friends and enjoying the breeze as I drive to work. I want to call a friend and just hang for hours on end. There are many things that I prefer to be doing, but since I have moved to this shit whole place called Yuma, Arizona. I don’t have many options.
In retrospect, I really didn’t want to make this move, I was finally getting things settled, happiness was on the horizon. There is honestly nothing here for me. I try to see the positive side of all of this, but as you can tell I am not really doing that well. I say that “I am fine” but I am not. I believe in the self profiling prophecy. If you don’t know what that is, it is pretty simple actually. You just give positive feedback to yourself. Such as saying “Today is going to be a good day” &; “I am going to be okay” and in return you smile and with this feeling, you do have a good day and are okay. I try to do this everyday. I do believe it is somewhat working.
I use to be in this deep thought about my personal life. I’ve never really been single for a long time before. I mean the longest time I’ve been single was only for maybe for two weeks. An I was rejecting people at that time too. Now, well it feels like my first time being EVER being single. I do have someone that I really care about, but I believe that I am not suppose to be with em’, only because its just not my turn. Not just yet. Honestly, the so-called “crush” , if we are going all Middle School on here, is one of my good friends. I do wish that I could have the chance to begin a next chapter there, but of course the universe has something better for me, I hope. Ha. I mean at one point I thought it was meant to be, only because we had a night together that kind of opened a door that is so hard to close. Even if we wanted to, which we sort of don’t. Nice, right? We torture ourselves, well at least I know I do.
You see, my good friend here moved from Indiana to Arizona about 3 months after I did. Sounds awesome, right? Not really, because you see my crush now lives three hours away. That wouldn’t be a problem, but now I am stuck at a pause in my life right now. I don’t have my car anymore [tears] and finding a job here sucks ass, so getting another one is so out of the question. So yeah being at a PAUSE sucks major balls right now. I try to think to myself that there is a reason for everything, which there is. I try to say to myself that maybe the reason my crush moved here wasn’t to be with me but someone else. Cause at one point the crush did get into a relationship, [that was scary], but I learn to deal with it. I can’t have everything I want. I also learned not to settle, because I won’t always be happy with it. I learn that the hard way.
Lately, I have the time to finally be okay with the whole single life. This pass Halloween weekend I hung out with the girls, and well it made me really think. In a long time I was happy and didn’t have anyone with me at all, just my friends and some drinks. I had the chance to actually open my eyes and see the possibility of happiness without feeling like "I have to have a girlfriend". I improve everyday. I can feel it, cause I smile more. I also try to improve my life by keeping busy as much as I can. Even if that mean I have to just get up and rearrange my room. I try to walk the dogs out more so I can get that breeze that I’ve been craving. I have to make sure I smile everyday and never look back. I also deleted the evil and toxic people out of my life, and some that are possibly toxic, I talk to them as less as possible. I have to put me first and try to improve my happiness level, day by day. Be happy for me not you. <3
I have this odd problem in my life where it seems like nothing goes right for me, and its like for some reason, I am not suppose to be happy. My grandmother tries her best to cheer me up all the time. You see, I have tendency to get into a deep depression and sleep all day and all night. Rarely I would get up from my bed and do some stuff, aka eat and then go back to sleep. I despise the fact that I put myself into some deep shit. I prefer to be outside and enjoy life like I use to. I want to be out with friends and enjoying the breeze as I drive to work. I want to call a friend and just hang for hours on end. There are many things that I prefer to be doing, but since I have moved to this shit whole place called Yuma, Arizona. I don’t have many options.
In retrospect, I really didn’t want to make this move, I was finally getting things settled, happiness was on the horizon. There is honestly nothing here for me. I try to see the positive side of all of this, but as you can tell I am not really doing that well. I say that “I am fine” but I am not. I believe in the self profiling prophecy. If you don’t know what that is, it is pretty simple actually. You just give positive feedback to yourself. Such as saying “Today is going to be a good day” &; “I am going to be okay” and in return you smile and with this feeling, you do have a good day and are okay. I try to do this everyday. I do believe it is somewhat working.
I use to be in this deep thought about my personal life. I’ve never really been single for a long time before. I mean the longest time I’ve been single was only for maybe for two weeks. An I was rejecting people at that time too. Now, well it feels like my first time being EVER being single. I do have someone that I really care about, but I believe that I am not suppose to be with em’, only because its just not my turn. Not just yet. Honestly, the so-called “crush” , if we are going all Middle School on here, is one of my good friends. I do wish that I could have the chance to begin a next chapter there, but of course the universe has something better for me, I hope. Ha. I mean at one point I thought it was meant to be, only because we had a night together that kind of opened a door that is so hard to close. Even if we wanted to, which we sort of don’t. Nice, right? We torture ourselves, well at least I know I do.
You see, my good friend here moved from Indiana to Arizona about 3 months after I did. Sounds awesome, right? Not really, because you see my crush now lives three hours away. That wouldn’t be a problem, but now I am stuck at a pause in my life right now. I don’t have my car anymore [tears] and finding a job here sucks ass, so getting another one is so out of the question. So yeah being at a PAUSE sucks major balls right now. I try to think to myself that there is a reason for everything, which there is. I try to say to myself that maybe the reason my crush moved here wasn’t to be with me but someone else. Cause at one point the crush did get into a relationship, [that was scary], but I learn to deal with it. I can’t have everything I want. I also learned not to settle, because I won’t always be happy with it. I learn that the hard way.
Lately, I have the time to finally be okay with the whole single life. This pass Halloween weekend I hung out with the girls, and well it made me really think. In a long time I was happy and didn’t have anyone with me at all, just my friends and some drinks. I had the chance to actually open my eyes and see the possibility of happiness without feeling like "I have to have a girlfriend". I improve everyday. I can feel it, cause I smile more. I also try to improve my life by keeping busy as much as I can. Even if that mean I have to just get up and rearrange my room. I try to walk the dogs out more so I can get that breeze that I’ve been craving. I have to make sure I smile everyday and never look back. I also deleted the evil and toxic people out of my life, and some that are possibly toxic, I talk to them as less as possible. I have to put me first and try to improve my happiness level, day by day. Be happy for me not you. <3
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him.
If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him,
like a shadow that never leaves him. "
-Buddha
11.10.2010
7.07.2010
Did you miss me? No, no you didn't. Thats cute too.
Its been forever since I made a post. I kinda feel bad. But its whatever now. I have a good reason too. =]
I moved. Thank god. I moved away from so much bull in my life. Some say that I was running away, but that isn't it at all. I just moved away from the TOXIC in my life. That was the thing. I was choking from it. It almost killed me. I am not exaggarating at all, either.
I lefted someone that I didn't except to change me drastically until 48 hours before I lefted dear ol' Indiana. He made me realized the greatness in me. I didn't think I had that. We use to talk everyday, ever since I lefted. But this distance is making us bitter I think. I might be wrong, but I feel like he is pushing me away and it isn't helping me fly at all.
However, I know I shouldn't need someone to make me fly. I should need myself. Well, I am not up for all of that. I guess. I need help. Maybe therapy. That might be the trick. But that shit is expensive beyond belief. But if that shit works. It might not really matter really. I want to be able to see myself in the greatest light there is possible, I am worth it, right?
Yes, Yes I am.
"I know it doesn't seem so fair, but I will send you a postcard when I get there" -Lily Allen.
I moved. Thank god. I moved away from so much bull in my life. Some say that I was running away, but that isn't it at all. I just moved away from the TOXIC in my life. That was the thing. I was choking from it. It almost killed me. I am not exaggarating at all, either.
I lefted someone that I didn't except to change me drastically until 48 hours before I lefted dear ol' Indiana. He made me realized the greatness in me. I didn't think I had that. We use to talk everyday, ever since I lefted. But this distance is making us bitter I think. I might be wrong, but I feel like he is pushing me away and it isn't helping me fly at all.
However, I know I shouldn't need someone to make me fly. I should need myself. Well, I am not up for all of that. I guess. I need help. Maybe therapy. That might be the trick. But that shit is expensive beyond belief. But if that shit works. It might not really matter really. I want to be able to see myself in the greatest light there is possible, I am worth it, right?
Yes, Yes I am.
"I know it doesn't seem so fair, but I will send you a postcard when I get there" -Lily Allen.
5.25.2010
4.27.2010
One year, how many more to go?
When I see you, I scream, you annoy me.
All it takes is seeing a picture or your profile on some other site.
Dude, why in the hell did I make you impossible to forget?
Its not like you are evil or anything.
Its just it would be nice to not remember the feeling of rejection.
The pain I feel when you pushed me away.
I do remember you warning me, So its fair.
I guess.
Other than, remembering you altogether hurts too.
You were really awesome, even your flaws were rad.
I am not going to cry, even that was the problem in the first place.
That I didn't show emotions.
But little do you know, I cried consecutively for 4 months.
Yes, it was about you, but more about me and you.
About things that I've forgotten about.
I built up over the decades of my numbed personality.
But why did that have to stop us?
I still cared about you.
What about the fact that you pushed me away cause you could show how you felt?
Grr, the pain still lingers.
Its been a year, and I still care.
I still dream.
I know that I am "over" you, but I do dare think of you.
It isn't a crime.
Apart from the fact I feel locked up in this.
You changed me.
I hate change.
Except, this change was for the better.
Willam Shakespeare once wrote "Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment."
How true....How painful.
All it takes is seeing a picture or your profile on some other site.
Dude, why in the hell did I make you impossible to forget?
Its not like you are evil or anything.
Its just it would be nice to not remember the feeling of rejection.
The pain I feel when you pushed me away.
I do remember you warning me, So its fair.
I guess.
Other than, remembering you altogether hurts too.
You were really awesome, even your flaws were rad.
I am not going to cry, even that was the problem in the first place.
That I didn't show emotions.
But little do you know, I cried consecutively for 4 months.
Yes, it was about you, but more about me and you.
About things that I've forgotten about.
I built up over the decades of my numbed personality.
But why did that have to stop us?
I still cared about you.
What about the fact that you pushed me away cause you could show how you felt?
Grr, the pain still lingers.
Its been a year, and I still care.
I still dream.
I know that I am "over" you, but I do dare think of you.
It isn't a crime.
Apart from the fact I feel locked up in this.
You changed me.
I hate change.
Except, this change was for the better.
Willam Shakespeare once wrote "Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment."
How true....How painful.
4.16.2010
4.10.2010
3.27.2010
3.24.2010
Come On Ladies!!!
So, I just went on this "date" if that is what you wanna call it. Well, when I met people I have stardards. I call them ...
"Three Musts"
- Must attend College.
- Must have a car that belongs to them.
- Must have a job.
I have a job, going to school, and I have a car that is mine. Why can't they? So as I was saying....
I met this chick that my friend put me on a blind date with. I didn't know UNTIL I got there. But I wish I haven't even gone.
The chick hasn't even gradutated from high school yet, and she is 20 years old. OMG NO!
She doesn't have a permit alone a car.
She works at Burger King ( I feel that is her future already)
She wants to go to the Marines in June. I said, " Go ahead, there isn't much option, is there?"
I understand that isn't really nice. Although, I have listened to her life story and I keep thinking to myself.
"She caused these things to happen to her own ass. Why in the hell is she all confused? She
made her life shitty. She should of stayed in school, and maybe she would of not gotten kicked out and was put in alternative school. Maybe she should of praticed drinking at 16 instead of stealing cars. Just maybe she would have the life she wanted if she just did what was needed of her lazy ass"...
But ladies and gents, I just got up and drove off. It was so hard to keep listening, I lefted.
3.07.2010
3.03.2010
She was the angel when I need to be rescued.
I am hurt.
Like fucking pist.
I want her back, but I can't
She was the angel when I need to be rescued.
She always knew what to say or do to make me feel a whole alot better.
She never let me down.
She always was up front with me.
I could always tell her what was on my mind.
She became my best friend.
She made me laugh when noone could.
She loved me so much.
I usually can "get over" someone pretty quickly.
Longest was about two weeks.
But it now have been months.
She has mostly likely forgotten about me.
But I hope I am wrong.
I hope all the things I feel didn't hurt so much.
I have been crying almost everyday.
I don't know if I can take this any longer.
I have never been this emotional in my life.
I've never even cried at people funerals.
I just bow my head and thats it.
Nothing less..Nothing more.
But this, this shit hurts.
I don't know how to even fix this.
I mean, I usually can pick myself off the ground and walk away.
Uh, I can't now.
What the hell happen to me.
I called my grandmother not too long ago.
We talked. In the summer of 2010 I will no longer be a resident of Indiana.
But of California.
I know for a fact that noone is going to read this, so I can say it on here.
I know for a fact that I moving away cause I want to get away from the tears.
I also know that they aren't going to permanently disapper.
But I can start over.
I can fix me.
In the one place I feel free.
Home.
California.
(I wrote this in November in 2009, I thought I should post it)
2.09.2010
Dream of a Ghost.
Disclaimer:The people in this blog has been change. I don't want any drama, so I changed their names.
Lately I have been having some really freaky dreams. They all have the same people in it. Most of the people in the dream I haven't seen since last year. Way back in June or July. It sucks, cause there is one person that techinally doesn't even existence yet, or not at all. She is suppose to be my daughter, Lily.(Which I don't have in real life) She is 5 years old. She is the cutest thing ever.The others are my ex and some of her co-workers. Its wierd to me because I haven't dreamt of her in a long time. An now out of the blue, here she is everyday in my mind. I seriously want to stop dreaming about this. Its really messing me up. I don't need this right now. I understand that I still have feeling for her, but hey I CAN'T do shit. I have excepted the fact that I can't. An now, I am just living day to day.
Thats okay with me.
I hope.
Thats okay with me.
I hope.
In the dream me and Lily are kidnapped. The time when this takes place in now. 2010. I have been beaten, stabbed, and even raped repeatedly and Lily has been forced to watch everything. We are chained and drugged up. I don't know who is doing this. But I know that it hurts. She crys and screams for her mommy, but I can't do anything. I hate it! It is hurting her. We finally get drugged up so bad that we both pass out. Then I wake up, but can't move nor can speak.I finally realized that I am inside a box. I can hear voices, I remember these voices. The box is then opened. I fall out. I hear everyone scream but I still can't move. I am fighting with myself and I know that it is useless but I know I have to try. I can hear my ex-girlfriends' boss recongize me and starts to call out her name,"Desi, Desi is that you?" He then starts to call her out here. "Hey M. come over here." I hear her running up the stairs. She starts to walk over towards the counter and sees me laying there motionless. I try to scream to get their attention. I wanted to know where is Lily. I couldn't see another box I panicked and screamed even louder then before, but my mouth was covering the sound. One of them called 911. Another use to work there but now is an EMT, Thomas, he went right to me and asked me some questions. I try to move to tell him the answer. So I just yelled as loud as I could. It took awhile but then he got a syringe and put it through my left arm. "This is going to hurt a bit, you are going to feel a rush for a second. Hold back on that rush, okay?" He pushed it through my skin into my veins and all I can feel was my heart pounding at a rapid rate and I could feel the blood going through my veins. I was finally able to move.
Thank god.
I knew I shouldn't of rushed, but I had to find Lily.
I automatically went through the box. I found a whole and started to rip it open, I then saw hair. I kept on tearing it apart. There she was. Motionless as well, she looked pail almost like she already was dead. I screamed at him.
"FIX HER..FIX HER NOW!!!"
I try to get her out of the box. But I saw there was something attached to her back. It was ball wire covered in blood. Her eyes were open. I knew she could feel everything and anything. She was trying to yell. I knew if I pulled that wire something wasn't going to go my way. "Hey we have to find something to cut this wire, we have to be quick I don't think we have time." I commanded. M and Catherine went to the back, I went to the hardware and so did Matt and Jim. They looked on the top and I looked on the bottom. I found a chainsaw. I didn't know if it would work, the guys didn't think it was best either. So we kept on looking. I found this Razor Tooth Saw Blade. I quickly started cutting away. Jim started to called M and Catherine back. It felt like it took forever to cut the wire. But I finally did. I pulled her and the small pieces of wire that was attached to her. I try to wipe the blood away from her. But it kept coming. I wanted it to stop. I panicked, I called Thomas, "Please help her she is only five she can't go through this" He started to put out his syringe and gave her a dose of the something. I held her close, I knew this was going to hurt. She started to scream and kick. "It hurts...It hurts mommy...make it stop" I was trying to. But everything I did made it worse. A few minutes later the ambulance came, I screamed to get her over there.
But I couldn't move, my body wouldn't let me. I wanted to be with her. She needed her mommy, but I just couldn't move. Before I knew it the ambulance was gone and I still was just sitting there looking outside the window. Not doing a dam thing. Everyone was screaming at me
"Get up, she needs you "
But I couldn't...
all I could do was cry.
Thank god.
I knew I shouldn't of rushed, but I had to find Lily.
I automatically went through the box. I found a whole and started to rip it open, I then saw hair. I kept on tearing it apart. There she was. Motionless as well, she looked pail almost like she already was dead. I screamed at him.
"FIX HER..FIX HER NOW!!!"
I try to get her out of the box. But I saw there was something attached to her back. It was ball wire covered in blood. Her eyes were open. I knew she could feel everything and anything. She was trying to yell. I knew if I pulled that wire something wasn't going to go my way. "Hey we have to find something to cut this wire, we have to be quick I don't think we have time." I commanded. M and Catherine went to the back, I went to the hardware and so did Matt and Jim. They looked on the top and I looked on the bottom. I found a chainsaw. I didn't know if it would work, the guys didn't think it was best either. So we kept on looking. I found this Razor Tooth Saw Blade. I quickly started cutting away. Jim started to called M and Catherine back. It felt like it took forever to cut the wire. But I finally did. I pulled her and the small pieces of wire that was attached to her. I try to wipe the blood away from her. But it kept coming. I wanted it to stop. I panicked, I called Thomas, "Please help her she is only five she can't go through this" He started to put out his syringe and gave her a dose of the something. I held her close, I knew this was going to hurt. She started to scream and kick. "It hurts...It hurts mommy...make it stop" I was trying to. But everything I did made it worse. A few minutes later the ambulance came, I screamed to get her over there.
But I couldn't move, my body wouldn't let me. I wanted to be with her. She needed her mommy, but I just couldn't move. Before I knew it the ambulance was gone and I still was just sitting there looking outside the window. Not doing a dam thing. Everyone was screaming at me
"Get up, she needs you "
But I couldn't...
all I could do was cry.
2.02.2010
You will be missed.
Ladies and Gents.
It hit me today, well I was driving at around two-thirty in the afternoon. Michael Jackson is gone. I know I am pretty late doing this, but this man has done alot for me and he will never be able to really know it. I know that alot of close friends were simply devastated. The news just kill a little piece of our souls by the second.
I actually do remember when It all happened.
I was sitting on the bed with my now ex-girlfriend, then I got this wierd text from Stephen. Its said that Michael Jackson was just pronounced dead.
She cried right then and there. I was so shocked I automatically turned on the news to see if it was true. Cause some people like to pay cruel sick jokes, but this one wasn't a joke. Not even close. I was so scared. I didn't even know how to react. All I did was comfort her and just keep saying "This can't be happening".
When his sister, Janet, made a dedication to him. I wanted to cry, but once again I couldn't.
Now, I am sitting hear on my laptop listening to Micheal Jackson classics.
Crying.
R.I.P
Michael Jackson
1958-2009
You will be missed.
1.31.2010
Introduction.
I've never made a blog before. Well, there was myspace blogs and such but, noone ever read those. I am not as interseting as most would like to think. I know the reason is because I am holding myself back. I am aware that I put myself down, that I make myself as the bad guy. When I know that I am not. I am just alone. I haven't made the total change of being with one's self. I plan on doing it. On here. To write or post things on a daily basis. It will be like a diary or a journal on someone you will learn to love.
Me. Little De.
I want to make the complete change and be the person I know I CAN BE.
All I ask is that you listen to me.
*Mika*
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